Strength or Weakness?

My grandfather used to say, “Any attribute you have, when taken to the extreme, becomes your weakness.”

It was a job interview years ago, that brought the wisdom of these words to the forefront of my mind, in an effort to answer one of those interview “trick questions”.  The interviewer asked me ‘what I thought my weaknesses were?’  Who wants to answer that question about themselves in a job interview?!  As I pondered my response - wanting to answer with truth but not torpedo my opportunity at the position - I was able to again employ my grandfather’s wisdom to save the day.

Have you ever taken a moment to consider this?  It’s true.  Anything that you can taut as a personal strength easily becomes your “Achilles’ Heel” if you take it too far.  How is that?  Ask yourself, do you know anyone who has a great sense of humor?  Do the ever “play too much” or make light of serious situations?  Maybe you know someone has been blessed with looks that can also be very conceited or shallow.  Why is it that some people with great inner strength and determination can be so overbearing or stubborn at times?  What about you?  What are your strengths? Are there times you take them so far that you repel those around you?

The key in recognizing the point of extreme is by being observant; paying attention to the small details and warning signs that you may be taking your strengths too far.  Often it’s the post-event evaluation of an experience that can best illustrate this point through the 20\20 hindsight of life.  With some considerate evaluation, you will soon be able to avoid mistakes and make instances of failure more of a learning experience rather than a mistake.  For more on that line of thought read my post “Well…what do you know.” (Click here to read)

Better yet, as we learned from my post “A word to theunwise” (Click here to read), you can get ahead and actually avoid potential moments of weakness by paying attention and learning from the errors of others.   My prayer is that you take a thoughtful moment of reflection if you encounter a situation where your strength has developed into a weakness.  Evaluate the incident, recognize the signs, and if needed, ask a trusted friend to help you realize when you may be taking things too far.  Put this in practice and you will surely grow.  I am sure you will see other people’s respect for you grow, as you grow in self-control.  Be Blessed.

Watch Out for Snakes!

My grandfather used to say: “There are always snakes in the grass, just be sure you know where they are.”

I learned this paragon of wisdom in one of those times where my grandfather took an ordinary event and transformed it into an extraordinary moment of understanding.  It was a hot North Carolina day and as we toiled away at yard work, I was explaining how betrayed I felt when someone I knew tried to embarrass me behind by back.  I employed a cliché to describe my perception of them time and related them to being a “snake in the grass.” The more infuriated I became about it, the more my conversation developed into hate filled threats of what I would do the next time I saw them.

As my grandfather presented this quote, he pointed out a small black snake he noticed earlier near the firewood pile.  “Do you see that snake over there?” he asked.  “Yes sir,” I responded.  “Should I go kill it?” he inquired.  “I guess not, it really isn’t bothering us at the moment.”  I answered.  He agreed and further explained that black snakes are not poisonous and actually help control rodent populations.  Thoroughly confused, I asked the relevance.  He eloquently related the same situation to people and relationships.  How’s that?

He explained that, as social beings, its human nature to gravitate toward building relationships with people that we come in contact with.  There are people in our lives that we choose to build relationships with and there are those with whom we have to engage by virtue of circumstance such as work, school, church or some other group gathering activity.  Each relationship is different but one thing that we can count on is that there will be people who disappoint us, betray our confidence and many who don’t display the courage that friendship and truth requires.  In some cases we have the luxury of ending our involvement in those relationships, but much like working in the yard, often the job has to get done, even with the presence of a snake or two.

What we have to remember is that people are not perfect, we ourselves are not perfect and there will be disappointments.  However, it is not always beneficial to take an aggressive approach to every relational challenge.  What would happen if we killed all of the snakes on the planet?  Our ecosystem would likely implode and we would ultimately doom ourselves – why because even snakes have a purpose.  So what do we do?  We learn.  It is the same concept discussed in my post “Conquering Fear” (Click here to read).  Like my grandfather educated himself on black snakes, our goal would be to understand who those “snakes” are in our yards and realize where you are likely to encounter them and respond appropriately.  This is how to combat the “fear” of a detrimental incident with them.

In a further evolution of thought, my post “The Ratio of Life” (Click here to read), elaborates on how life is truly 10% what happens to you, but 90% what you do about it.  Going around and attacking every snake that appears in your life would be wasted effort in a crusade that will never end because there will always be snakes.  My prayer for you is that you learn how to deal with the snakes in your life appropriately. There may be some truly poisonous relationships that you will have to “kill” – as for the rest, just keep an ever watchful eye to know where you may have to deal with a snake.  More importantly, remember to be quick to forgive the bites and close calls as you learn from them, because we are ALL imperfect and you never know when you have become a snake in the life of another.  Refresh your perspective on this line of thought by reading my post “Emancipation by Forgiveness.” (Click here to read)  Be Blessed!

“In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me.”

Psalm 56:11 (KJV)

Emancipation by Forgiveness

My grandfather used to say “Remember that forgiveness is not for the offender, it is for the offended.”

For many, forgiveness is a tender subject.  Why? Well, to begin a discussion about forgiveness, it will inevitably resurface feelings associated with someone’s offense.  Whether you are the offender or the offended, forgiveness is the key that will unlock the cell and loose the emotional chains that unforgiveness uses to bind you.  Let’s face it, at some point everyone will need forgiveness, because none of us are perfect.  The challenge arises when we forget that, with God, forgiveness is not merely recommended, but required, and the measure that you give to others is what will be given to you.  When you learn to truly forgive, you realize you freed a prisoner, only to find that the prisoner was...you.

My grandfather’s statement is a consummate reminder that once we understand the power in forgiveness, we can learn to master our enemies, our circumstances and ourselves.  I once asked my grandfather “what does it mean to forgive someone?”  His reply is still the basis for my definition of forgiveness to this day.  He said “when you allow God to avenge the wrong someone did in His time and in His way, you have forgiven them.”  It was amazing to me that he didn’t say that you forget what happened or that the hurt feelings go away or that you allow the person to regain a position in your life.  It is about releasing the need to be somehow a part of their revenge.  Whether you desire is to be the catalyst, facilitator or the audience to the retaliation for what someone did, that jealousy for revenge is what keeps you bound to the offense.  If you are bound then you are controlled and if you are controlled, that means something has power over you. 

So is there anything mastering you?  If so, how long are you going to allow that person or event to have control?  When you harbor unforgiveness – sure, you may move on, but you don’t have control, the feelings are merely suppressed.  It is not realized until you have to again face memory of the offense.  God knows this concept all too well and I am convinced that it is why he tells us through Paul in Romans 12:19 that “…vengeance is mine, I will repay says the Lord…”  Forgiveness is so important to God that He requires that we forgive others so that He can forgive us and as mentioned earlier, at some point, we will all need forgiveness.

Considering these words, I strain to understand why anyone would not want to be free from the captivity of unforgiveness.  Maybe they think that it is a sign of weakness or maybe they don’t want to face it and hope the painful feelings just go away.  Truthfully, it takes courage, maturity and strength to forgive.  Mahatma Ghandi once said “the weak can’t forgive; forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”  Listen, no one is saying that forgiving is easy, on the contrary it is difficult many times, but there is truth in the old saying “either forgive it or relive it.”  My prayer for you is that you grasp the power of forgiveness and when needed you have the strength to use it to break the chains that bind.  Forgive your friends, forgive your enemies and don't forget to…forgive yourself.  Be Blessed.

The Gift of Disillusionment

My grandfather used to say “A person who will steal for you, will steal from you.”

This entry will hopefully challenge you to evaluate not only the way that you trust, but help you to look past the superficial displays of those close to you and understand how to dig deeper into character before you invest hope in someone. When it comes to relationships, trust is not optional, it’s required – if you want the relationship to be truly successful. The greater question becomes how do you learn who you can really trust and what do you look for to avoid learning the depth of your misguided trust by the gravity of their betrayal?

My grandfather’s quote is a reminder that the evaluation of a person’s character doesn’t begin when the big challenges arise, it begins immediately with every small interaction you have with those around you. In this particular situation, it was one of the crewmen working for my grandfather’s business. He was a very nice guy and had worked for my grandfather for a few years. We had just finished working on an elderly lady’s property when my grandfather noticed an extra lawn mower in the truck. After he inquired a few times of its origin, this crewmen spoke up stating that it had been sitting under the house and the lady probably didn’t even know it was there. It was in very bad shape and though she didn’t verbally say he could have it, he figured she would never use it and he would fix it up for my grandfather to use for his business.

My grandfather returned the mower to the elderly woman with a humble apology and without naming names. When he returned to us, he told the crewman that it was his last day working with him. The crewman tried to explain that his intentions were good; my grandfather just simply stated the quote above. You see, the crewman’s actions made my grandfather question his integrity, his decisions and consider the “what if” factor that turns a reflective moment into an introspective moment. In my grandfather’s wisdom he knew the action was more than just a simple slip-up, it was an indication of the condition of the crewman’s heart that surfaced without provocation. Furthermore, had he accepted the stolen gift, he then was guilty of the same thievery and it has been well said that there is no honor amongst thieves.

Much like the post “Gossiper Beware” from January, we should continually observe the actions of those around us to understand those characteristics that can only be seen by watching what they do, not listening to what they say. Just like love is a verb, so is trust, respect, communication – all of the components of great relationships and whether it’s someone you are dating who disrespects their parent, someone spreading gossip about someone else or a friend that you catch in habitual “little white lies”, keep your eyes open for the signs of their hidden personality, and be realistic about your ability to become a victim of those damaging characteristics. My prayer is that you continually evaluate the company you keep and in those times of question, you seek counsel from the one who loves you most…God. Be Blessed.

Fists of Freedom

My Grandfather used to say “God can’t bless you with your fist balled up”

I was a young teenager struggling with the challengs of youth and the pain of my first heartbreak when he provided this glacier of wisdom. As I floundered in the grip of reason, trying to understand why a relationship that I invested my heart into just wasn’t working out and how I could make it work, he offered this quote and thankfully… illustrated it this way for me.

“Thomas, hold out your hands” he said and I did. He pulled out his old rubber change pouch, the old school kind that you squeeze in your hand on both ends and it opens up from the center like a baby bird’s mouth looking for a meal. He dug through it and found two of the worst looking pennies that he had and put one in each of my hands. “Now squeeze these as tight as you can” he said, and I did, as hard as I could. He then went into his billfold and took out a $100 bill, and as my eyes grew like inflating balloons, he reminded me to keep a tight hold on those pennies. He began to drop the $100 bill onto my clinched fists, each time it obviously fell to the ground and he would pick it up and try again. After about four tries, he looked at me with love and simply asked “now...do you understand?”

After a pause of deep thought, I had a true “ah-ha” moment, I finally understood that as long as I was clinging onto those worthless pennies, I could not receive the $100 bill he was trying to gift to me. Just as, while holding on to a relationship with little value, I was not able to be open to one that had exponential value. As I continue to live and learn with these words abounding in my mind and heart I understand a little more.

There are two major times that most people find their fists “balled up”. One is in anger or defiance and the other is typically clinching on to something tightly. In either scenario, usually, God can’t bless you until you decide to release your hand so you can receive His gift. So you see, while your fist is "balled up", you are causing the perpetuation of your own misery.

As we begin this new year, ask yourself what are the “pennies” in your life? Is it anger at someone or some event that happened recently or maybe long ago, that has you wrestling with unforgiveness? Is it a stagnant relationship with a person that has you bound, clinging to their indecision? Maybe it’s your stubbornness, the inability to apologize or accept an apology that binds you as you grip tightly to tethers of pride. Whatever the case, this year, don’t make a new year’s resolution have the new year’s revelation that there is a blessing waiting on you, if you will just release your "penny" and receive it. Don’t maintain your own frustration; you have the choice to let those worthless things go. Once you do, you open up the ability to increase the value of your life. Be blessed.