Watch Out for Snakes!

My grandfather used to say: “There are always snakes in the grass, just be sure you know where they are.”

I learned this paragon of wisdom in one of those times where my grandfather took an ordinary event and transformed it into an extraordinary moment of understanding.  It was a hot North Carolina day and as we toiled away at yard work, I was explaining how betrayed I felt when someone I knew tried to embarrass me behind by back.  I employed a cliché to describe my perception of them time and related them to being a “snake in the grass.” The more infuriated I became about it, the more my conversation developed into hate filled threats of what I would do the next time I saw them.

As my grandfather presented this quote, he pointed out a small black snake he noticed earlier near the firewood pile.  “Do you see that snake over there?” he asked.  “Yes sir,” I responded.  “Should I go kill it?” he inquired.  “I guess not, it really isn’t bothering us at the moment.”  I answered.  He agreed and further explained that black snakes are not poisonous and actually help control rodent populations.  Thoroughly confused, I asked the relevance.  He eloquently related the same situation to people and relationships.  How’s that?

He explained that, as social beings, its human nature to gravitate toward building relationships with people that we come in contact with.  There are people in our lives that we choose to build relationships with and there are those with whom we have to engage by virtue of circumstance such as work, school, church or some other group gathering activity.  Each relationship is different but one thing that we can count on is that there will be people who disappoint us, betray our confidence and many who don’t display the courage that friendship and truth requires.  In some cases we have the luxury of ending our involvement in those relationships, but much like working in the yard, often the job has to get done, even with the presence of a snake or two.

What we have to remember is that people are not perfect, we ourselves are not perfect and there will be disappointments.  However, it is not always beneficial to take an aggressive approach to every relational challenge.  What would happen if we killed all of the snakes on the planet?  Our ecosystem would likely implode and we would ultimately doom ourselves – why because even snakes have a purpose.  So what do we do?  We learn.  It is the same concept discussed in my post “Conquering Fear” (Click here to read).  Like my grandfather educated himself on black snakes, our goal would be to understand who those “snakes” are in our yards and realize where you are likely to encounter them and respond appropriately.  This is how to combat the “fear” of a detrimental incident with them.

In a further evolution of thought, my post “The Ratio of Life” (Click here to read), elaborates on how life is truly 10% what happens to you, but 90% what you do about it.  Going around and attacking every snake that appears in your life would be wasted effort in a crusade that will never end because there will always be snakes.  My prayer for you is that you learn how to deal with the snakes in your life appropriately. There may be some truly poisonous relationships that you will have to “kill” – as for the rest, just keep an ever watchful eye to know where you may have to deal with a snake.  More importantly, remember to be quick to forgive the bites and close calls as you learn from them, because we are ALL imperfect and you never know when you have become a snake in the life of another.  Refresh your perspective on this line of thought by reading my post “Emancipation by Forgiveness.” (Click here to read)  Be Blessed!

“In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me.”

Psalm 56:11 (KJV)

Emancipation by Forgiveness

My grandfather used to say “Remember that forgiveness is not for the offender, it is for the offended.”

For many, forgiveness is a tender subject.  Why? Well, to begin a discussion about forgiveness, it will inevitably resurface feelings associated with someone’s offense.  Whether you are the offender or the offended, forgiveness is the key that will unlock the cell and loose the emotional chains that unforgiveness uses to bind you.  Let’s face it, at some point everyone will need forgiveness, because none of us are perfect.  The challenge arises when we forget that, with God, forgiveness is not merely recommended, but required, and the measure that you give to others is what will be given to you.  When you learn to truly forgive, you realize you freed a prisoner, only to find that the prisoner was...you.

My grandfather’s statement is a consummate reminder that once we understand the power in forgiveness, we can learn to master our enemies, our circumstances and ourselves.  I once asked my grandfather “what does it mean to forgive someone?”  His reply is still the basis for my definition of forgiveness to this day.  He said “when you allow God to avenge the wrong someone did in His time and in His way, you have forgiven them.”  It was amazing to me that he didn’t say that you forget what happened or that the hurt feelings go away or that you allow the person to regain a position in your life.  It is about releasing the need to be somehow a part of their revenge.  Whether you desire is to be the catalyst, facilitator or the audience to the retaliation for what someone did, that jealousy for revenge is what keeps you bound to the offense.  If you are bound then you are controlled and if you are controlled, that means something has power over you. 

So is there anything mastering you?  If so, how long are you going to allow that person or event to have control?  When you harbor unforgiveness – sure, you may move on, but you don’t have control, the feelings are merely suppressed.  It is not realized until you have to again face memory of the offense.  God knows this concept all too well and I am convinced that it is why he tells us through Paul in Romans 12:19 that “…vengeance is mine, I will repay says the Lord…”  Forgiveness is so important to God that He requires that we forgive others so that He can forgive us and as mentioned earlier, at some point, we will all need forgiveness.

Considering these words, I strain to understand why anyone would not want to be free from the captivity of unforgiveness.  Maybe they think that it is a sign of weakness or maybe they don’t want to face it and hope the painful feelings just go away.  Truthfully, it takes courage, maturity and strength to forgive.  Mahatma Ghandi once said “the weak can’t forgive; forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”  Listen, no one is saying that forgiving is easy, on the contrary it is difficult many times, but there is truth in the old saying “either forgive it or relive it.”  My prayer for you is that you grasp the power of forgiveness and when needed you have the strength to use it to break the chains that bind.  Forgive your friends, forgive your enemies and don't forget to…forgive yourself.  Be Blessed.

A Stones Throw

My grandfather used to say “if that stone cold talk, it would probably tell on you.”

My grandfather would employ this statement to encourage others to take a moment and evaluate a judgmental comment, or to divert an accusatory conversation that was intended to slander someone else. Much like the biblical accusers ready to stone the harlot in John chapter 8, there are times when we all hurl proverbial stones at the guilty (and the innocent) but fail to realize that everyone has imperfections and only God has the right to judge. Not only does this statement apply to accusations, but it has enormous weight when you consider the concept of forgiveness…and that - we all need.

His statement within itself was not his way of condemning people for their actions, but merely a reminder that before we point out the grain of sand in the eye of another, we should remove the figurative sand dune from our own eye. It is amazing how often we forget how imperfect all of us humans are until we ourselves make a mistake, and then we are quick to claim the “I’m human” justification.Whether your criticism is in their face or not , the stones you throw at others don’t raise the pedestal that you sit on, they carry with them the condemnation of your own transgressions, and if those stones could talk...they would scream your secrets to the masses.

When it comes to forgiveness, the concept is much the same. So often we only read half of what a scripture has to say about forgiveness, if we read scripture at all. We are quick to claim that God forgives us, but many make a grave mistake in not understanding that in every scripture on forgiveness, we have a requirement to forgive others. I once spoke with a young man who was blatant about his hatred towards his younger brother. On his arm, he had a cross tattooed with the words “Only God Can Judge Me”. In an effort to help him consider forgiveness, I asked him “What is it that God is going to judge you for?” The question forced him to peer into his own mirror image and reflect on the scenes of personal failure that littered his mind. It’s true, no one is perfect, and sometimes – especially when we are judging others – we all need to be reminded of that.

Listen friend, bottom line is that we should all truly live by the biblical “golden rule”, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. What does that mean? Well, for me, it is that if I don’t like condemnation, then I should not condemn and keep my rocks in my pocket. Moreover, I should be quick to forgive, because it is well said that forgiveness is not just for the offender, but more beneficial to the offended. When you forgive others you open the doors of forgiveness for yourself. What does it say to you? Hopefully it encourages you to stay away from rock piles unless you are laying your rocks at the foot of the cross, where they belong. Be Blessed.

Well...What do you know?

My grandfather used to say “The first time you mess up is not a mistake, it’s a learning experience, the next time you do it...then it’s a mistake.”

I think that I tend to be the hardest critic that there is when it comes to my own life and it has always been that way. Whether it is the drive for success of something I am striving to accomplish or the occasional skepticism of my latest decision, I have historically been pretty hard on myself, especially in retrospect, when I find that a decision of mine was not the right one. I am fortunate that in my early youth my grandfather helped me understand, not only the concept of human error, but the greater fallacy in robbing yourself of the opportunity for knowledge in the name of condemnation.

Think back to the last time that you made a decision that you consider a “mistake”, you know, a miscalculation, a careless error or some moment of poor reasoning that turned out to be the wrong thing to do. When you consider the incident let me ask you a question…did you have the knowledge of the end result, prior to the decision? Did you know beforehand that the decision you made was going to turn out the way that it did? The quick answer is “well of course not, or I wouldn’t have done it!” Maybe...or maybe not... but the “mistake” can have a lot more to do with what you knew more than what you did.

For example, quite a few people made decisions to purchase real estate back in 2006, who would say with the knowledge that they have today, that was a mistake. Now each situation has its own set of specifics, I’m sure, but at that time, the decision was probably made with the best of intentions, who knew that the housing market would suffer the greatest collapse in the history of the United States? Sure, that scenario applies to a particular group of people, but message is the same and there are plenty of other examples out there; everything be it some merchant or service person that ripped you off, to the person you divorced, sometimes we simply don’t know - what we don’t know - but blame ourselves as if we did.

Don’t take this entry as an opportunity to side step the responsibility for your actions - that is not what this is about, you own every decision you make. It is however an opportunity to recognize that we are human and we don’t know everything and sometimes the learning process involves us to having missteps, bad decisions or errors along the way. The key is to learn from the experience and retain that knowledge so that the next time you face a similar scenario, you won’t make a true mistake. There is a two-fold lesson here, first you are not perfect and when errors are made you need to realize it, learn from it, and forgive yourself so you can move on. Second, others are not perfect and when errors are made you need to recognize it, learn from them, and forgive them so you can move on…yes, I said so YOU can move on. Remember, experience is the greatest teacher and unforgiveness is the worst warden. My prayer is that this entry helps you to recognize the differences between a learning experience and a true mistake, to be quick to forgive others...and yourself, but never forget the lesson of the experience. Be Blessed.

Fists of Freedom

My Grandfather used to say “God can’t bless you with your fist balled up”

I was a young teenager struggling with the challengs of youth and the pain of my first heartbreak when he provided this glacier of wisdom. As I floundered in the grip of reason, trying to understand why a relationship that I invested my heart into just wasn’t working out and how I could make it work, he offered this quote and thankfully… illustrated it this way for me.

“Thomas, hold out your hands” he said and I did. He pulled out his old rubber change pouch, the old school kind that you squeeze in your hand on both ends and it opens up from the center like a baby bird’s mouth looking for a meal. He dug through it and found two of the worst looking pennies that he had and put one in each of my hands. “Now squeeze these as tight as you can” he said, and I did, as hard as I could. He then went into his billfold and took out a $100 bill, and as my eyes grew like inflating balloons, he reminded me to keep a tight hold on those pennies. He began to drop the $100 bill onto my clinched fists, each time it obviously fell to the ground and he would pick it up and try again. After about four tries, he looked at me with love and simply asked “now...do you understand?”

After a pause of deep thought, I had a true “ah-ha” moment, I finally understood that as long as I was clinging onto those worthless pennies, I could not receive the $100 bill he was trying to gift to me. Just as, while holding on to a relationship with little value, I was not able to be open to one that had exponential value. As I continue to live and learn with these words abounding in my mind and heart I understand a little more.

There are two major times that most people find their fists “balled up”. One is in anger or defiance and the other is typically clinching on to something tightly. In either scenario, usually, God can’t bless you until you decide to release your hand so you can receive His gift. So you see, while your fist is "balled up", you are causing the perpetuation of your own misery.

As we begin this new year, ask yourself what are the “pennies” in your life? Is it anger at someone or some event that happened recently or maybe long ago, that has you wrestling with unforgiveness? Is it a stagnant relationship with a person that has you bound, clinging to their indecision? Maybe it’s your stubbornness, the inability to apologize or accept an apology that binds you as you grip tightly to tethers of pride. Whatever the case, this year, don’t make a new year’s resolution have the new year’s revelation that there is a blessing waiting on you, if you will just release your "penny" and receive it. Don’t maintain your own frustration; you have the choice to let those worthless things go. Once you do, you open up the ability to increase the value of your life. Be blessed.