The One Thing That Matters

My grandfather used to say “Here is the secret to relationships: remember the one thing that matters, respond accordingly and the relationship will be fine.”

In my humble opinion, this may be one of the most valuable entries that you will read on this site. Why you ask? Because it has the potential to provide the secret to success in relationships with the men and women that you come in contact with. I can say with confidence, that in my life, this truth has helped me better understand the chasm that divides males and females; it has been the voice of conscience when I have faced daily interactions that challenge my patience, understanding and character. The “one thing that matters” is as complex as it is simple because it requires self-control to put a solution in to action…and self, as we all know, can be the hardest person to control, when it really matters.

For women, the “one thing” that they need to understand about men is that men desire to be respected. My grandfather would say it is because men are created with an ego, whatever the reason, it’s true. No man wants to be considered a failure; they want to be seen as “wearing the pants” whether it is in a relationship, a career or simply driving a car (without asking directions). It doesn’t matter if it is a challenge from a woman or another man, disrespecting a man tends to consistently produce animosity and eventually could lead to a display that will demand that respect he feels that he deserves. An elderly wife of a 37 year marriage said it to me this way when I asked her to share the secret to their resilient marriage. She simply said “I know that I run things, but make sure that he thinks that he does.”

For men, the “one thing” that they must understand about women is that every woman wants security. Whether it’s emotionally, financially, physically and any other aspect of life, they want to know that things will be ok and have some sense of control. Now I don’t claim to have unraveled the mystery of the feminine mind by no means, but I can say with certainty that in my experience a secure woman is a happier and a more peaceful woman. If you are a man, try this next time you can’t figure out what is “wrong with her”, simply ask yourself, does she feel secure right now?

When you think about it, this is not new news, why do you think advertisers gear their commercials towards a woman’s security (her youthful looks, time/money savings, etc.) and a man’s ego (sex, masculinity, etc.)? I know that this entry has merely touched on the potential enormity of this discussion, but what’s important is that we take a moment to remember the “one thing” that matters and do what we can to use this knowledge to strengthen our relationships. If you do, you can proactively diffuse potential issues before they create a cycle where insecurities are responded to with disrespect and disrespect leads to actions that challenge securities. Be Blessed.

Well...What do you know?

My grandfather used to say “The first time you mess up is not a mistake, it’s a learning experience, the next time you do it...then it’s a mistake.”

I think that I tend to be the hardest critic that there is when it comes to my own life and it has always been that way. Whether it is the drive for success of something I am striving to accomplish or the occasional skepticism of my latest decision, I have historically been pretty hard on myself, especially in retrospect, when I find that a decision of mine was not the right one. I am fortunate that in my early youth my grandfather helped me understand, not only the concept of human error, but the greater fallacy in robbing yourself of the opportunity for knowledge in the name of condemnation.

Think back to the last time that you made a decision that you consider a “mistake”, you know, a miscalculation, a careless error or some moment of poor reasoning that turned out to be the wrong thing to do. When you consider the incident let me ask you a question…did you have the knowledge of the end result, prior to the decision? Did you know beforehand that the decision you made was going to turn out the way that it did? The quick answer is “well of course not, or I wouldn’t have done it!” Maybe...or maybe not... but the “mistake” can have a lot more to do with what you knew more than what you did.

For example, quite a few people made decisions to purchase real estate back in 2006, who would say with the knowledge that they have today, that was a mistake. Now each situation has its own set of specifics, I’m sure, but at that time, the decision was probably made with the best of intentions, who knew that the housing market would suffer the greatest collapse in the history of the United States? Sure, that scenario applies to a particular group of people, but message is the same and there are plenty of other examples out there; everything be it some merchant or service person that ripped you off, to the person you divorced, sometimes we simply don’t know - what we don’t know - but blame ourselves as if we did.

Don’t take this entry as an opportunity to side step the responsibility for your actions - that is not what this is about, you own every decision you make. It is however an opportunity to recognize that we are human and we don’t know everything and sometimes the learning process involves us to having missteps, bad decisions or errors along the way. The key is to learn from the experience and retain that knowledge so that the next time you face a similar scenario, you won’t make a true mistake. There is a two-fold lesson here, first you are not perfect and when errors are made you need to realize it, learn from it, and forgive yourself so you can move on. Second, others are not perfect and when errors are made you need to recognize it, learn from them, and forgive them so you can move on…yes, I said so YOU can move on. Remember, experience is the greatest teacher and unforgiveness is the worst warden. My prayer is that this entry helps you to recognize the differences between a learning experience and a true mistake, to be quick to forgive others...and yourself, but never forget the lesson of the experience. Be Blessed.

The Human Trap (Part 1)

My Grandfather used to say "It is all black and white until it comes to green"

I have battled over this particular post for 2 days because it is hard to fit so many thoughts into a few paragraphs. This is a tough subject, bursting with vital wisdom, so I decided to put it into 2 parts. My grandfather's words, in this scenario, was truly a warning for us to put courage and integrity where it counts the most...those situations when it is most profitable to compromise.

One of the most confusing concepts for many people to understand is the concept of compromise. In some cases compromise is a vital component of survival of especially when dealing with others in a co-existing environment. Other cases compromise reveals the failure of integrity, the inability to stand for what is right, moral or fair. Now considering these cases it may appear that the concept of compromise is an easy thing to grasp, but as you know by now, my grandfather’s statements are never that simple.

In most every issue that requires compromise there is a boundary, an imaginary line drawn in the sand, if you will, that should not be crossed for all sides involved. Although this entry is not specifically about those lines (that blog is to come) it is important to understand that they are there and if they are crossed, you have ask yourself… what was the motivation for your compromise?

We have seen so many scenarios where this statement applies, whether it is some rich person who is able to pay their way out of a crime, or the government permitting companies to operate unethically just to keep the money flowing. Maybe it is closer to home, how do you look at your taxes, are some exaggerations permissible because you need the money? Who is it that you are involved with? Do they get away with things that are beyond your “line” because they help pay the bills or provide you with spending money? It is all the same, your morals and ethics are solid (black and white) until you put money before them.

The bible is full of profound statements, but one of the most insightful to me is (I Timothy 6:10) which begins with “the love of money is the root of all evil...” It’s true, especially when you consider the definition of love as explained in my entry “Never fall in love” (last paragraph). But do you notice that it doesn’t say money is the root of all evil? It says that it is the LOVE of money at evil's core. Again, it is a matter of the heart, a matter of your will, the true intention behind your actions.

I know that we have just scratched the surface of this topic and I have some great information for you so please stay tuned for part 2 of this subject, I believe that the next post will really put some things in perspective, or at the least, provoke some deep thought. See you next week...Be Blessed