How to Win an Argument

My grandfather used to say “The best way to have the last word in an argument is to say…I apologize.”

Ever had an argument and the other person just would not shut up?  I mean they kept on and on talking in circles about the same issue.  You didn’t see it their way, they didn’t see it your way and before you know it, you were both saying things that you didn't mean.  Eventually, someone storms out angry or just shuts down and nothing gets resolved.   Here is the crazy thing, if I asked the other person about the same argument; would they say that I was describing you?

My grandfather made two very profound observations concerning arguments:

First – Arguments and communication greatly differ in that once the communication is broken down – an argument is all that you have left.  You see, communication is a two-way exchange; information (hopefully productive) is being delivered AND received by each participant.  The goal of communication is aimed at moving forward towards a common goal. In an argument you care more about “winning” than commonality.  It’s more about making the other person “see it your way” versus finding a solution, compromise or common ground.

Second – Arguments perpetuate and erupt in many cases because both people want to have the “last word”.  Not sure who decreed that if you get the last word that means that you are right.  Whoever they were...they're wrong.  The need to get the last word only deteriorates an argument to its lowest form.  This is typically where we say things that we don’t mean, because we want to “shut the other person up” using offensive comments, insults or sarcastic commentary.  Ever seen that happen?

The truth is, life is too short to argue.  Ultimately, arguing is fruitless and the results of it are wasted time in anger, frustration, resentment and unforgiveness.  I compare it to raking leaves in a windstorm.  No matter how hard you rake the leaves, you will not get anything accomplished.  The difference is, with an argument…you control the weather.  How’s that?  You can end the argument because an argument takes two.  Want to get the last word – then apologize, yes even if you don’t feel that you are wrong.  Why?

It’s the wisdom in my grandfather’s quote above and in the words of the apostle Paul in his letter to the church in Corinth. (I Corinthians 6:7-8)  What Paul basically said was if you can’t settle a dispute among yourselves you have already been defeated.  Why not accept the injustice and leave it at that?  Why not just be cheated in the pursuit of peace instead of returning the wrong and malice, even to those we love.   In short, sometimes maturity says “Be the bigger person.”  In a month, most arguments will not have significance, but the pain they can cause might be very significant.  If you offer a sincere apology in efforts to end the conflict you may feel like you lose a battle, but in reality you win the war of maturity. 

I was once on a flight with a lady returning from her sister’s funeral.  In a moment of reflection she became emotional recalling her last conversation with sister.  They argued about some inconsequential issue and hung up, not knowing they would never speak again.  Later that evening as I pondered her pain I penned this poem.  I hope that it encourages you to pursue peace the next time you have the opportunity to argue.  Be Blessed.

Rewind

Wait up time don’t fly so swift, I want to return to yesterday.

I said some things that weren’t so sweet to my friend that passed away.

Our quarrel was quite unnecessary a selfish tantrum on my part.

The doctor said that it was a coronary, but I know it was a broken heart.

Life is a lesson we all must learn, experience is the price we pay.

How foolish it is to use tomorrow as an excuse to waste today.

I can’t go back, father time won’t wait remember this, next time you fight.

You’ll never forget the pain and regret when you were wrong and can’t make it right.

Copyright © 1999 by William T. Holt

 

Gossiper Beware

My grandfather used to say: “A dog that buries a bone…carries a bone”

Do you know one of those people who is always ready to enlighten you to some “juicy scoop” about someone else? Maybe it’s a neighbor, an associate, or a co-worker on the job that knows everything about everybody…or at least they think they do. There is a major difference between someone sharing useful information and merely spreading trifling gossip. My grandfather’s valuable reminder is a common sense warning to us all, as we engage with others in two of the foundational components of relationships – trust and communication. We call the trap “the grapevine” and before you know it, you are caught up in one of the most destructive devices in our society with the infamous power to breed betrayal, wreck reputations, and sink friendships.

How does that happen you ask…simple…I will answer that with this question. What makes you think that someone who gossips to you, won’t gossip about you? You see, the vulnerability of a person who listens to gossip is the lack of foresight to realize that they are likely to be the next victim of the gossiper’s words. When I started managing people 17 years ago, I quickly understood the destructive power of gossip as I constantly dealt with workplace drama. Incidents usually ended with me consoling some disillusioned target as they realize their trust has been betrayed by a gossiper masquerading as a friend. After a few of these episodes, I penned a poem that is framed on my office wall and I want to share it with you. I appropriately named it “Fair Warning”, and I hope you read it with focused attention, so the next time someone comes to bury a bone of gossip in the backyard of your heart, you can be sure to keep hidden your bones of treasured information, lest they steal away with them, to share with someone else. Be Blessed.

Fair Warning

A juicy little gossip seed,

whispered into someone’s head.

Grows and grows like no one knows,

just as weeds in a flower bed.

And with each time that little seed

is planted or re-dispersed,

something is added from the last that had it

and it’s made into something worse.

Until soon you’ll see, that little seed

someone gave with all their trust,

has helped to steal their confidence

and crush their hopes to dust.

Loose lips sink friendships.

Trust those words you’ll find they are true.

Watch out, for the next seed spread around

just may be a seed about you.

Copyright © 1999 by William T. Holt